I tried to show you just how much you mattered
but you left me in the dust my simple heart shattered
You're so consumed in the toxic poison you buy
just like a junkie, there's no way to deny
that when you think, you think of only you
not of the girl you love, the real true blue.
So break my heart, but pick up the pieces
I can't stand a life with you, the drama never ceases.
Quick to complain about a life that's so mundane
as you fill my life with pain, yet still you can't explain
what makes a heart so cold
and when did misery become all that I know?
The sedative you slipped is slowly wearing off
and I'm coming into a reality lost.
So aware of the treachery, the karma, the deceit
you can never give what I need to complete
the art thats been in progress for 21 years
the canvas is empty just as I'd feared.
Monday, December 10, 2007
*R*A*T*T*L*E*D*
I must apologize for not posting in quite sometime. I have a lot on my mind these days. School is looming in my ever-so-near future, and even quicker than that, Christmas. Frankly I'm not feeling the Christmas spirit this year. I feel like Christmas should be about family, and well, the people I consider to be my family, they're kind of in the wind.
You see, I imagined things would be different this Christmas. My dream Christmas would go something like this:
I wake up (in my own house) to the sound of A.J. coming into my bedroom. He crawls up into bed between Ethan and I , and that's the first thing I see, his bright shining face. But then, there's a cry from the baby monitor sitting on our dresser, it's Alanna, she's awake now and so begins the perfect Christmas morning. I make them breakfast, we open presents, and I sit back and watch in awe at my complete family...all four of us. The day would keep on and we would go and visit our less immediate families, then Ethan and I would fall asleep next to each other that night, and I would feel more complete than I ever have.
But that's a dream. A.J.'s with his dad, Ethan and I don't live together and Alanna, well, I guess now that's just a dream too...
Crying is overrated, because right now, I don't feel any better. I just want the three people I think about every waking second of every single day with me all the time...I guess you could call it a Christmas wish that will never ever come true, but that doesn't stop me from hoping.
You see, I imagined things would be different this Christmas. My dream Christmas would go something like this:
I wake up (in my own house) to the sound of A.J. coming into my bedroom. He crawls up into bed between Ethan and I , and that's the first thing I see, his bright shining face. But then, there's a cry from the baby monitor sitting on our dresser, it's Alanna, she's awake now and so begins the perfect Christmas morning. I make them breakfast, we open presents, and I sit back and watch in awe at my complete family...all four of us. The day would keep on and we would go and visit our less immediate families, then Ethan and I would fall asleep next to each other that night, and I would feel more complete than I ever have.
But that's a dream. A.J.'s with his dad, Ethan and I don't live together and Alanna, well, I guess now that's just a dream too...
Crying is overrated, because right now, I don't feel any better. I just want the three people I think about every waking second of every single day with me all the time...I guess you could call it a Christmas wish that will never ever come true, but that doesn't stop me from hoping.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
NOT YOURS
Dabbling in the free-verse:
You think you're so smart...
but you're not...
I was never your toy
your puppet
your doll.
Lift that veil
show me who you once were.
CARE.
But you'll care too much then, won't you?
My heart is vague;
in the air
dust that scatters as you pass by.
A lone star burns tonight.
See it?
Think of me, and those times...
when the world lay in the palm of our hands
so close to anything that mattered
yet still so far.
You think you're so smart...
but you're not...
I was never your toy
your puppet
your doll.
Lift that veil
show me who you once were.
CARE.
But you'll care too much then, won't you?
My heart is vague;
in the air
dust that scatters as you pass by.
A lone star burns tonight.
See it?
Think of me, and those times...
when the world lay in the palm of our hands
so close to anything that mattered
yet still so far.
A poet's beginnings??
My mom found this, apparently I wrote it for her for mother's day or something when I was like six... All errors in spelling are intentional, I'm copying it word for word...
"L is for Lynn witch is your middle name.
O is for ornorey witch is what you are sometimes
V is for vally with rivers so wide.
E is for eggs wich is one thing that I don't like"
Wasn't I brilliant???
"L is for Lynn witch is your middle name.
O is for ornorey witch is what you are sometimes
V is for vally with rivers so wide.
E is for eggs wich is one thing that I don't like"
Wasn't I brilliant???
Sunlight
I was blinded by the truth
of the life I wished was just a spoof.
But I finally got my proof
as the sunlight poured through the roof
a light on what is new
and all I ever thought was true
but maybe I don't like the view
when everything I see is blue.
The hurt is just too fresh
and the scars branded on my chest
just reminders of all I'm less
in a game I'll never guess.
The ellipses coat my eyes
as I pull off your disguise
and brandish all your lies
and all the false "good bye"s
But you can never take it back.
You'll never possess the things you lack.
The knife's still in my back,
as the glass begins to crack...
of the life I wished was just a spoof.
But I finally got my proof
as the sunlight poured through the roof
a light on what is new
and all I ever thought was true
but maybe I don't like the view
when everything I see is blue.
The hurt is just too fresh
and the scars branded on my chest
just reminders of all I'm less
in a game I'll never guess.
The ellipses coat my eyes
as I pull off your disguise
and brandish all your lies
and all the false "good bye"s
But you can never take it back.
You'll never possess the things you lack.
The knife's still in my back,
as the glass begins to crack...
Broken Words
The hurt, it lies in broken words, in angry words, in bitter words.
I've tried but I can't seem to purge, the idea of your broken words.
The hate is bottled up in scars, in old scars, in stomach scars.
The hate is shaking at the bars that hold together stomach scars.
The hurt has turned to unshed tears, the hate is back, despite our fears.
I'm sorry for the all the wasted years, I think it's time we shifted gears.
Cry those tears.
Unmask those fears.
I've tried but I can't seem to purge, the idea of your broken words.
The hate is bottled up in scars, in old scars, in stomach scars.
The hate is shaking at the bars that hold together stomach scars.
The hurt has turned to unshed tears, the hate is back, despite our fears.
I'm sorry for the all the wasted years, I think it's time we shifted gears.
Cry those tears.
Unmask those fears.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Torn
The mirror cracks
your face is glass
staring up at me
but I can't see
the white lines cut your face in threes.
The precious cargo I hold inside
a million and one little white lies.
Stories told for no reason at all
except for simply a soft place to fall.
Can you read the fiction story I wrote?
Did you really believe all those words that I spoke?
All the "I love you"s, the false sense of hope.
You gave me your spine and I tore it apart
I ripped it to shreds along with your heart.
your face is glass
staring up at me
but I can't see
the white lines cut your face in threes.
The precious cargo I hold inside
a million and one little white lies.
Stories told for no reason at all
except for simply a soft place to fall.
Can you read the fiction story I wrote?
Did you really believe all those words that I spoke?
All the "I love you"s, the false sense of hope.
You gave me your spine and I tore it apart
I ripped it to shreds along with your heart.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Pong Bong and Bon-fires
I must apologize for my absence the past couple of days. I wish I could say a lot has been going on lately, but it really hasn't
I continue to be plagued with this ongoing kidney infection, as a matter of fact, when I woke up this morning I felt like I had been hit by a mack truck. I'm currently on my fifth round of antibiotics. The damn thing just won't give up. I know I should be drinking more water, and I have, but jeez, it just won't stop.
I had a wonderful night last night though. I'm not big on all the romantic stuff, but I believe that every relationship has it's moments. That being said, last night was mine and Ethan's. There's a lovely two-acre pond behind my mom's house, and due to our financial situation (checking account -0-) we wanted to do something special. So we went back to the pond, built a fire and stared at the stars for hours. It was spectacular, and best of all, didn't cost either of us a dime. We talked, he even played his guitar, and let me tell you, if you've never been serenaded in front of a bon-fire with a moon-lit body of water glowing, its something to experience. It truly was amazing.
Due to my kidney infection, I haven't been able to spend as much time with A.J. as I would like, but I did get to talk to him on the phone tonight. He told me all about eating his "kohndy" (candy) and watching "pong bong" (Spongebob Squarepants). I know every parent brags on their children, but A.J. is so smart. It's been a truly amazing experience watching him grow so far. Every time I look at him, I think, no way is this the tiny little baby that I held in my arms 21 months ago. I know this is gonna sound cliche, but I'm finding out it's very true: They grow up so fast.
I continue to be plagued with this ongoing kidney infection, as a matter of fact, when I woke up this morning I felt like I had been hit by a mack truck. I'm currently on my fifth round of antibiotics. The damn thing just won't give up. I know I should be drinking more water, and I have, but jeez, it just won't stop.
I had a wonderful night last night though. I'm not big on all the romantic stuff, but I believe that every relationship has it's moments. That being said, last night was mine and Ethan's. There's a lovely two-acre pond behind my mom's house, and due to our financial situation (checking account -0-) we wanted to do something special. So we went back to the pond, built a fire and stared at the stars for hours. It was spectacular, and best of all, didn't cost either of us a dime. We talked, he even played his guitar, and let me tell you, if you've never been serenaded in front of a bon-fire with a moon-lit body of water glowing, its something to experience. It truly was amazing.
Due to my kidney infection, I haven't been able to spend as much time with A.J. as I would like, but I did get to talk to him on the phone tonight. He told me all about eating his "kohndy" (candy) and watching "pong bong" (Spongebob Squarepants). I know every parent brags on their children, but A.J. is so smart. It's been a truly amazing experience watching him grow so far. Every time I look at him, I think, no way is this the tiny little baby that I held in my arms 21 months ago. I know this is gonna sound cliche, but I'm finding out it's very true: They grow up so fast.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
WHEW!!!
After a little trial-and-error, some tinkering, and handy advice from my boyfriend, Ethan Christ, I've managed to get up a few poems. I hope you enjoy them and leave feedback where deserved. This is a start of something beautiful people. More poems to come...bank on that... they trickle out slowly, but thats the way it works. I hope to start my "journal" pages tomorrow...
STAY TUNED: THE DEEPER YOU FALL, THE BETTER IT GETS!
STAY TUNED: THE DEEPER YOU FALL, THE BETTER IT GETS!
My Scarlet Letter
Spindles of trouble,
vials of pain
the sick twisted madness
that drove me insane
a big cup of nothing
a challis of despair
the green-eyed monster
that pretends not to care.
A trunk full of envy
a tablespoon of guilt
read more; fall deeper click here
vials of pain
the sick twisted madness
that drove me insane
a big cup of nothing
a challis of despair
the green-eyed monster
that pretends not to care.
A trunk full of envy
a tablespoon of guilt
read more; fall deeper click here
Drama Queen
Close the curtains and let the impenetrable one weep for the woe and sorrow that she caused. Let her take back the tears that she made her loved ones cry, and when she takes them back, let her drown in them, deprive her of oxygen, if only for a moment, just to remind her that she is human, and she can hurt.
read more; fall deeper click here
read more; fall deeper click here
A Storms Suction
The storm's rolling in, it seems so sure of itself
as I'm reaching for the pill bottle kept on the top shelf.
The clouds are so dark, like dirty cotton balls,
I'm so quiet and careful the reapers sleeping down the hall.
read more; fall deeper click here
as I'm reaching for the pill bottle kept on the top shelf.
The clouds are so dark, like dirty cotton balls,
I'm so quiet and careful the reapers sleeping down the hall.
read more; fall deeper click here
MInd Rape
Will I always be the victim, cause I just can't say no?
With all the monsters out there I can't decipher friend from foe.
I walk the streets, so completely numb
my mortality is inevitable, and I want to just succumb.
You rape my sanity
read more; fall deeper click here
With all the monsters out there I can't decipher friend from foe.
I walk the streets, so completely numb
my mortality is inevitable, and I want to just succumb.
You rape my sanity
read more; fall deeper click here
Save Face
Should I turn my words around, flip them up, or dumb them down,
so that you can remember the 28th of September, maybe it's meaningless now.
I held his hand, cried inside, pretended I had lied, on the stand I died, with no one to confide.
Did you think of how much that hurt, when you laid me in the dirt, left me there in that robe, with no way to call home.
Your baby in my gut, like salt inside a cut, all for what?
read more; fall deeper click here
so that you can remember the 28th of September, maybe it's meaningless now.
I held his hand, cried inside, pretended I had lied, on the stand I died, with no one to confide.
Did you think of how much that hurt, when you laid me in the dirt, left me there in that robe, with no way to call home.
Your baby in my gut, like salt inside a cut, all for what?
read more; fall deeper click here
Spent
Tonight was the last, it's part of the past, stop acting so brass...it's over.
No visits at night, trembles of fright, no darkness, just light...it's over.
You'll never touch me again, with that wicked grin, is it sinking in?...it's over.
"All because I love you," you said, sneaking into my bed,
read more; fall deeper click here
No visits at night, trembles of fright, no darkness, just light...it's over.
You'll never touch me again, with that wicked grin, is it sinking in?...it's over.
"All because I love you," you said, sneaking into my bed,
read more; fall deeper click here
Lifted
Looking up at you, the object of my desire
the sweat coats your face and your eyes are on fire
our bodies are touching, we're closer than ever
with you here inside me, it's a bond that won't sever
as your body moves up and down
we seem to float,
read more; fall deeper click here
the sweat coats your face and your eyes are on fire
our bodies are touching, we're closer than ever
with you here inside me, it's a bond that won't sever
as your body moves up and down
we seem to float,
read more; fall deeper click here
A Place That Doesn't Exist
Emerald dreams blurred by sadness
crystal visions induced by madness
I heed the reapers beckoning
await my pointy reckoning
follow the labyrinth into my soul
we'll take a nose-dive into water so cold.
read more; fall deeper click here
crystal visions induced by madness
I heed the reapers beckoning
await my pointy reckoning
follow the labyrinth into my soul
we'll take a nose-dive into water so cold.
read more; fall deeper click here
Bound
The marks of my sins like a beacon ahead
scarring the flesh that's already dead.
Wanting the one they all say I can't have
but I still keep on chasing, hoping to grab
reaching and longing, harsh burning need
crying so many tears, my eyes start to bleed.
read more; fall deeper click here
scarring the flesh that's already dead.
Wanting the one they all say I can't have
but I still keep on chasing, hoping to grab
reaching and longing, harsh burning need
crying so many tears, my eyes start to bleed.
read more; fall deeper click here
Illusion
So quickly you came, and just as quickly were gone
left your mommy on earth to sing my woeful song.
Your few seconds here I didn't hear you cry
read more; fall deeper click here
left your mommy on earth to sing my woeful song.
Your few seconds here I didn't hear you cry
read more; fall deeper click here
Nothing
I'm sorry that I don't exist
in your world that's filled with bliss
needles taint your kiss.
I mean nothing.
So I guess I'll sit back
and watch it all slip through the crack
this feeling that you lack.
I mean nothing.
In your world so deep and pure
there's no space for me anymore
so you should just ignore.
read more; fall deeper click here
in your world that's filled with bliss
needles taint your kiss.
I mean nothing.
So I guess I'll sit back
and watch it all slip through the crack
this feeling that you lack.
I mean nothing.
In your world so deep and pure
there's no space for me anymore
so you should just ignore.
read more; fall deeper click here
Affirmation
Fluid is the sound
swimming just to down
maybe I'll come back around.
Choking on some tears
swallowing some fears
throwing up the years.
Hell
Winding down into a spiral of nothing, you said I couldn't do it, see I wasn't bluffing.
My eyes are taking in this dark robed man, the one without a face, pointy scythe in hand..
I grin because I know that my curiosity is piqued, maybe if I follow him, I'll find the youth I seek.
So I take my steps easy, walking on eggshells, as I follow this black monster down the twisted road to hell.
I see the things along the way that made me who I am, I know that they're the reasons why my empty soul is dammed.
read more; fall deeper click here
My eyes are taking in this dark robed man, the one without a face, pointy scythe in hand..
I grin because I know that my curiosity is piqued, maybe if I follow him, I'll find the youth I seek.
So I take my steps easy, walking on eggshells, as I follow this black monster down the twisted road to hell.
I see the things along the way that made me who I am, I know that they're the reasons why my empty soul is dammed.
read more; fall deeper click here
If
If I squeeze a little tighter, will you just let go?
If you hold me a little closer, can I still say no?
If I try a little harder, will you run away?
If I stand, gun in hand, won't you come and play?
read more; fall deeper click here
If you hold me a little closer, can I still say no?
If I try a little harder, will you run away?
If I stand, gun in hand, won't you come and play?
read more; fall deeper click here
Snow
Unspoken words and unshed tears
some weeks went by, some wasted years.
Turmoil driven, slow at times
queen of chaos, fatter lines.
Snow is white, it pours on you
all sucked up, you feel brand new.
So lay it up and snort it down
read more; fall deeper click here
some weeks went by, some wasted years.
Turmoil driven, slow at times
queen of chaos, fatter lines.
Snow is white, it pours on you
all sucked up, you feel brand new.
So lay it up and snort it down
read more; fall deeper click here
guess you fell into my rabbit hole...
After much deliberation, and a little (at times unwelcome) prodding from a friend I have decided to jump aboard the blogging bandwagon. I'm just starting out, so please bear with me. I'll expand as I see fit. Like everything else in my life, I plan to tweak this to make it work for me.
I'm going to try my best to use this as I would a diary, very open, honest and whatnot. I'll warn you, at times I am very blunt, as are my words. You either like what I have to say or you don't.
I hope to include some poetry as well, which in my opinion, is mediocre at best, but I encourage you to check back when I post some and let me know how you feel.
So that's it. My awkward beginning. I hope you'll follow me and my words as I continue to fall deeper into the rabbit hole...
STAY TUNED: THE DEEPER YOU FALL, THE BETTER IT GETS!
I'm going to try my best to use this as I would a diary, very open, honest and whatnot. I'll warn you, at times I am very blunt, as are my words. You either like what I have to say or you don't.
I hope to include some poetry as well, which in my opinion, is mediocre at best, but I encourage you to check back when I post some and let me know how you feel.
So that's it. My awkward beginning. I hope you'll follow me and my words as I continue to fall deeper into the rabbit hole...
STAY TUNED: THE DEEPER YOU FALL, THE BETTER IT GETS!
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